Let me begin by saying that I was wrong.

He was wrong too, but five days of silence and soul-searching made me realize that he wasn’t the only one who was making mistakes that got us to this point.

I was angry, feeling ignored, thinking he was always so selfish, never helpful or caring unless it was convenient for him. I was pissed that in all the time I was cooped up in my house with this broken ankle, he never came over. He doesn’t drive, but he could have come on his bike or gotten a cab or a ride, right? But he didn’t. The only time I saw him was when I got up, broke doctor’s orders, and drove to his house.

Sounds pretty shitty, right?

I have a deeply ingrained fear of being The Needy Girlfriend. I don’t want to nag him and drain him and push him away by being too clingy. I’ve always been like that with boyfriends; they’ve always said it was cool that I was independent and strong on my own. I try to stay that way.

Then one day last week, it snaps and I become batshit crazy, over-the-top angry at him for never doing the things that I never asked him to do.

It’s a typical girl argument to say that “he should just know!” but when a girl takes it upon herself to not say what she needs, that excuse doesn’t fly. I was making it an excuse and I finally realized that I was doing EXACTLY what I’d told him not to do before. You know, the first time we broke up.

Example: When I tell him my ankle doesn’t hurt too much to drive and I’m lying, he still believes what I tell him. And If I’d wanted him to come over, I should have said so. Instead I was afraid he’d have an excuse – too tired, too far – and since I didn’t want to be rejected, I got in my car and went over there instead.

What I’ve come to realize is that in not asking him to do something for fear of him saying no, I’m also not giving him the opportunity to say yes.

So that was an eye-opener.*

“You said you felt okay to drive,” he said when I brought this up during our talk yesterday. “You said it was good to get out of the house.”

“I lied and I shouldn’t have said that and I’m sorry I let that turn into me being angry at you. I know that when I don’t ask you for something, it’s not my fault if you don’t give it to me.”

He said he understood.

And after a little more in that vein of conversation, I called him out on what he’d said that set me off in the first place.

His best friend recently decided to leave St. Louis and move across the country with his girlfriend, where she had been accepted into graduate school. When he found out, E raged about it, calling it a stupid move, stupid of Pete for going where he doesn’t have a job when he has a good one here, stupid this and stupid that.

Never mind that he, you know, LOVES the girl.

During that initial ragey-conversation (this was about a month ago), I brought up the time in January 2009 when E was offered a good job in Vegas and we were planning on going there together. “Do you think I would have been stupid to go with you then?” I asked. It was a loaded question but it had to be said.

“YES!”

“Excuse me?”

“You have a great job here and the economy sucks and…” so on and so forth. He was mad about a thousand things and rambling and drunk, so I let it go for a bit, but it sunk in. I didn’t forget it.

So yeah, OUCH.

Yesterday I brought that back to him. His company has been talking about his future there as a management trainee and what that would require of him, and one of the likelihoods is that he will have to move in order to make that happen.

“Do you really think what you said?” I asked him tentatively. “What you said about Vegas. About me being stupid to move there with you.” He was silent. “Do you think it would be easier for me to find a job or to find another person I want to share my life with?”

“It’s not the point now.”

“If you are going to have to eventually move for the company, then it is EXACTLY the point. If that’s really how you feel, then I am not going to waste my time with you just waiting for that to happen. Because it will. And if you wouldn’t respect me for going with you, then I’m done here.”

“I don’t want to have to ask you to do that. To give up everything for me.”

“Too bad. If we’re together, that’s what you have to do. You have to ask me to make a sacrifice and I have to decide for myself. But you have to give me the decision to make.”

This is when I look at myself and think: Hypocrite much?

The future never is and never has been entirely clear for us, but I can’t write it off just yet. This couldn’t be all sorted out in one afternoon, laying side-by-side on his bed and holding hands in silence while we looked to the ceiling for answers.

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* And for the record, when I asked him to do the laundry because the machines were 2 floors down, he did it. Since, you know, I actually asked.